I realize now that I'm not hardwired for this - at least the brand of this emotion that makes one want to know the latest going-on's around them...or the globe.
This revelation was driven home hard last night...again where most of my miniphanies (mini epiphanies) seem to come from these days, on the subway!
Leaving the 23rd street station, there was a thud then the sudden jolt from the emergency breaks being engaged. It happened so fast but in my deconstruction process, I catch in my periphery vision the outline of a person outside of the train doors (just a little off to the left from where I'm sitting), the thud (the collision between train and person), and then the sudden break in forward motion (and disruption of kinetic energy).
And I didn't move a muscle.
I just sat in place - as people (children included) slowly tried to make sense of why we'd just stopped and made their way to the window/doors to see what had happened (by now it was clear that someone had just been hit by the train). I just sat there!
And the reason I sat there was because 2 very distinct thoughts came to my mind the immediate seconds after we stopped - "there is absolutely NOTHING I can do for the person who just got hit while I'm stuck inside of this subway car" AND "I do NOT want to know if someone was just killed less than 10feet away from me".
The clarity and speed of my rationalization process surprised me because they came even before what would be the normal first curious response candidates, "what just happened?" OR "Is the person alright?"
By this point, and from the reports of strangers to one another, the collision was not a fatal one. The guy, apparently drunk, got off the train when we pulled into the station, but in his intoxicated state stumbled along the platform and managed to stumble backwards while the train was pulling out hence the "thud". While medical attention would be necessary, it was obvious that the train not moving was also to ensure that he didn't stumble onto the tracks when the train pulled away. Or so I thought.
And because my reaction surprised me, I now used our time waiting for medical assistance to analyze the responses of my fellow passengers. There was the camp of how alcohol was bad news and how they'd cut back on their own personal consumption to sharing other intoxicated related shenanigans. There was the camp of "let's document this for posterity sake". There was the camp that were running medical diagnostics - which may have been the most useful had they not been stuck inside the train car. And then there was this one family with 5 kids - all less than the age of 7. Except for the baby in the stroller, all the kids ran up to the window to look at the guy laying on the platform...and none of the adults stopped them! This bothered me quite a bit, and I zeroed in on the mother as I thought what kind of mother doesn't instinctively protect her kids from seeing a potentially gruesome sight. Then one of the kids started to cry, saying he was scared. The mother at first tried to placate him with gentle hushes, but then started to raise her voice. I lost my composure when she yelled at him to "get it together" and said to her (okay, more like raised my voice at her) that he was just a kid who had just witnessed something disturbing and that yelling at him was not the way to go. She was not happy about being called out and her response was "he's my kid...I'm his mother, and I know how to calm him down".
The words that wanted to come out of my mouth were "well you're doing such a fantastic job...why don't we just give you the mother-of-the-year award", but I had the good sense to realize that the focus of everyone was now on us, that the kid himself was no longer crying, and that further criticism would not help the situation...so the words that came out instead were "I'm sorry". Her countenance changed instantly and now all of her focus was on the kid.
The old lady who had now returned to her seat next to me started saying "sometimes you try to help people..." but I didn't catch the end of her comment as my mind was in epiphany mode:
"In situations like this, and those with more tragic outcomes, less than 1% of the reactions that follow is truly about the actual victim(s) of the tragedy. The other 99% of reactions is all coping mechanisms by those left to witness (or find out about) such events when subconsciously they come to the realization that they have ZERO ability to change the outcome of these events."
My gut instinct is that if this realization became more of a conscious understanding (and less subconscious), there'd be less finger pointing and judging of different reactions to the same events by different groups...because at the end of the day, if you're not actually DOING something to change a situation, then WE'RE all in the same boat - the boat of non-doers!!!
And talking is not doing in my book...emphasis on "my".
It also occurred to me the need to work on my not judging others...and realized that there was one thing I could have done while I sat - I could have said a prayer for the person and their loved ones regardless of the fatality or not of the outcome. Note to self!!!
Finally, a new understanding. Lacking curiosity is not a synonym for "not caring"...I like to think of it as the conservation of emotional energy :).
- Ayo Yusuf